A Soldier's Story

My name is Alvin Ramlu.   I was severely injured in combat while fighting in Afghanistan.  And I am here to tell you about the AbilityOne Program- a program that helps about 40,000 people like me.  I grew up in San Mateo California and graduated from High School in 1998.  I had seen movies like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket and I thought to myself that I would like to be in the US Army one day. I admired their toughness and discipline.

I also wanted a better life for myself. Since I didn’t go to college, I thought the Army would provide me with new opportunities to make my life better.  So I enlisted in the California Army National Guard.   I went to basic training at Fort Sill, Oklahoma. It was the hardest 15 weeks of my life.  When I finally graduated, I was proud and relieved.  But I knew there was a lot of hard work in front of me.  From Fort Sill I went to Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri for truck driving training.  I came home to San Mateo and worked a full time job while doing my National Guard duties.

My company knew that we would be called to go to Afghanistan or Iraq, sooner or later. In October of 2005, the Army was looking for volunteers to go over.  I volunteered.      I got on the plane in January of 2006 and I was eager to get over there and start my time. My rank was E4, that’s a specialist.  My family was happy and proud, telling me to be careful. I was ready to do what I had been trained to do. I was proud to be going over there.      My company, the 145th Engineer Company, was stationed in FOB Salerno.It’s an urban area and it’s known as an Al Qaeda training ground and Taliban hotspot. There is a lot of stuff going on there. On my second day there, a rocket exploded 100 feet away from me. That’s when it really sunk in that this was for real. This wasn’t a video game. It was kill or be killed.I had three different guns that I carried with me every time I left the FOB.

An M-16 machine gun, a 50 caliber, which is a bigger weapon with a bullet the size of your hand, And a 240 bravo, which is like an M16 but it’s more powerful, shoots more rounds, and it’s mounted on top of a humvee.  We were doing security related missions.  We drove a humvee looking for roadside bombs and IEDs, and clearing them away to make the roads safe for troops that were leaving the FOB that day.We would find about 3 of these IEDs a week.  It was called a RCP or Route Clearing Package Group.

Then we would watch the locals to find out who was spying on us and reporting our locations on a cell phone.  We would also work in the guard tower for 30 days at a time in the Quick Response Unit.  If we got rocketed on base, the person in the guard tower would look for who was transmitting our movements. The reason I am here speaking to you today is because of something that happened on June 6, 2006.  I was riding in the back of a humvee with my roommate.  It was a 3 vehicle convoy. We were on our way coming back from the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan.  We saw a station wagon and I told the driver to go around him.  The station wagon drove straight towards us and blew himself up. I hit my face and was unconscious for about 30 seconds.  I woke up and my nose was bleeding and there was another rocket exploding on the hood of the car behind us. The guys behind us were burned and hanging out of the humvee. There were more rockets shooting at us and guys with guns shooting at us. Then they dropped their guns and started running away.  I ran to the humvee behind us, and grabbed 2 of the guys who were burned, and put them in my humvee where they were safe.Then I called in a medivac.

While I was doing this I got shot at –twice over my head and once by legs. Once I got the guys safe in the humvee, I started looking for the shooters.  They were gone so I went back to prepare for the medivac to land. The guys who were injured were treated and recovered. They were active duty and I was National Guard. I was proud that I could help an active duty soldier because I was a National Guardsman and they always make fun of us. J J JI found out later that one of the guys I helpedcame back to Iraq for another tour after his burns healed. I am proud to be a part of a group of such brave men. A few months after this incident, I got presented with a Combat Action Badge.  This is a badge provides special recognition to Soldiers who personally engage the enemy, or are engaged by the enemy during combat operations.  It’s decorated with a bayonet and grenade to symbolize active combat and an oak wreath to represent strength and loyalty.  It’s an honor to wear this badge. It says that I have been to war -- that I was in it.  It separates me from everybody else. This is something special.   But I have other reminders too.

It was soon after this attack that I started realizing that something was not right.  Anxiety was turning me into a different person. I have never been much of a drinker. But when I found out that my grandmother had a stroke, I could not cope with the stress any longer.  I drank too much and got out of hand.  I had to be disciplined by my leaders. In the past, I was seen as a leader and a good soldier. When I sobered up, I was ashamed of myself. I wasn’t acting like myself. I wondered, “What is happening to me?” I felt out of control.But I wasn’t the only one.  Everyone has high anxiety over there and it comes out in different ways.   Out of about 2000 soldiers on the FOB, we had 4 to 5 suicides in one year.

[When I came home] I brought home some physical and mental scars.  On the physical side, I have permanent hearing loss, a shrapnel scar on my thigh, cartilage problems with my knee from running, and repetitive strain injury in my back from lifting. Like thousands of other soldiers coming home, I also brought home some mental injuries and illness. I have something called Traumatic Brain Injury, or TBI.  TBI occurs when a sudden trauma causes damage to the brain. Symptoms of a TBI can be mild, moderate, or severe.  Basically, I have brain damage. Some common disabilities associated with TBI are:problems with thinking, memory, reasoning, sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, expression and understanding, depression, anxiety, personality changes, aggression, acting out, and social inappropriateness.I have also been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

The National Institute of Mental Health defines PTSD as an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened.  Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include: violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.  Common symptoms are:reliving the event, avoidance, feeling numb and hyperaware, delusions or hallucinations; disorientation, and memory loss. I have a 100% disability rating for PTSD, and 60% for my TBI and physical injuries. So I have a 160% disability rating.   The PTSD has been the hardest challenge for me so far. Some of you may know other soldiers with PTSD and you know what I mean.  A lot of soldiers have difficulty talking about their PTSD.  I will give you some examples of what it’s been like for me.

In Afghanistan, you see trucks destroyed by bombs. Trucks just like the one you are in. Driving over the same roads you drive every day. Threats of grave physical harm are part of your day to day life.And hyperawarness is part of the job when you are working security. Feeling numb helps you cope in war time,but it is very strange to come home and not be able to snap out of it.I used to be a truck driver. But now, I have trouble driving my own car.  I am scared of big cars, white cars and station wagons. I am constantly thinking that someone is going to blow up their car. Or if I am in traffic and someone walks on the crosswalk, I think they are going to blow up.  I constantly look in the rear view mirror because I think someone is going to get in my car and slash my throat. When cars drive close behind me, I think they are going to explode.  I can’t handle loud noises.

 I was on guard duty one day in Afghanistan at about around 5:30 in the morning. A little girl about 10-12 years old, well she looked like she was 10-12 years old, came to line outside of the base to come to work. She was wearing a ski mask. She was in line with other locals waiting to be searched to come inside.  While I was looking at her from my guard tower, she exploded, killing about 12 -20 people around her. I was in shock because the bomb was so loud.  It sounded like an atomic bomb. That might have been why I have permanent hearing loss. Now today, I get flashbacks to that scene when I am around my little sister or other little kids. I feel nervous around children.

I try to tell myself, “I am not there anymore, I am here.” I try to control it.   I try to remind myself the difference between fantasy and reality.  I should be happy that I made it back alive. But like many returning veterans, I struggle with what they call “Survivor’s Guilt.”   I wonder why I made it back alive when so many others didn’t. I have to go to the doctor about 2 times per month to deal with these symptoms. I take 4 different medicines to control these symptoms. Despite the hardships I face, I love the Army.  It made me who I am today.  They treated me really well. They fed me, put clothes on my back, gave me a hot shower, gave me TV and internet and had events to keep morale up.  I played on the Army soccer team over in Afghanistan.I visited places all over the world. I got to escort high ranking officials. When my grandmother had a stroke, they put me on emergency leave and sent me to see her. When I saw the Armies from other countries over there, I thought “I am so proud to be with the US Army.”  I didn’t want to leave the Army but I had to.

I had to retire from the military on Feb 13 2009.   I was brokenhearted.  I was doing a job I liked. I was qualified and good at my job.  I knew my place.People respected my abilities.  But I had to start over.  I had to find a new job and deal with my new disabilities. I was overwhelmed.  I wanted to bring the same discipline and hard work I gave to the US Army to the private sector.  I just didn’t know how. I thought, “What am I supposed to do now?”But thanks to the AbilityOne Program, or FAR part 8.7, I made the transition from military life to civilian life.I found the job I have todaythrough my social worker at my VA Clinic.It’s a job through the AbilityOne Program.  My employer is called Project Hired and they hire people with severe disabilities and help them get back to work.

I am a switchboard operator at a VA Hospital near Sacramento, CA. I answer 200 calls a day. I deal with some angry and abusive veterans, but I have compassion for these people. I know how they feel. That’s the way people talk in the Army. JIt doesn’t bother me.  So I help them the best I can. I can relate to their struggles. I am still dealing with my own.  Thanks to the AbilityOne Program, I am able to do that.  The AbilityOne Program and Project Hired see my injuries, and allow me to work anyway with a few accommodations.  The AbilityOne Program makes it possible for someone like me to get back into the working world.I am still going to therapy and I am still going to my doctor appointments. But I can also work and be a productive member of society while I am recovering.Like the thousands of other soldiers who have come home wounded since the war began, I have to rearrange my dreams.  I always thought I would be in the Army for life.  That’s not possible for me anymore.  That is very hard for me to admit, but it’s true. I need to come up with a new plan for myself. My wife and I are saving up to move back to the San Francisco Bay Area.  And in the future we want to start a family.

I have some good news. I have accepted a new job with Project Hired at the VA Center in Palo Alto. I want to be closer to my family, so it’s a good move for me.I start there in 2 weeks.I don’t know what my future career will be.  I am taking it day by day.  But I know that I will be alright as long as I can work and bring home a paycheck.  And the Abilityone Program makes that possible for me and thousands of others who need it so desperately.     John F. Kennedy once said this about thanking veterans.  He said, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”  (PAUSE)Signing an AbilityOne contract is your thanks in action.  When you go back to your office and a new contract requirement comes across your desk, I ask you to think of these words.

And think of me, and the 40,000 other people with disabilities who got up and went to work today because of this Program. And please remember to think AbilityOne first.

Thank you.

Copyright 2009, all rights reserved. Alvin Ramlu/Project HIRED